This month at Relation Matters, we will be looking at the work of Terry Real, renowned family and couples therapist, and founder of Relational Life Institute.

We all say we want intimacy. But here’s the truth most of us don’t like to admit: we want it on our terms. We want the closeness without the vulnerability. We want the connection without the risk. We want the comfort without the discomfort.

Terry Real calls this out in his work on fierce intimacy. True intimacy, he says, is not a soft candlelit scene. It’s the willingness to stand in the fire with someone you love. Fierce intimacy is speaking up when something hurts, and staying open when your partner speaks up to you. It’s the courage to be both tender and bold, often in the very same breath.

In fierce intimacy, we don’t shy away from disharmony. We use it as the entry point to repair. This means leaning in when our instinct is to retreat, and breathing through moments when our ego wants to take over.

The hardest part? It starts with us.

We can’t give someone fierce intimacy if we’re disconnected from ourselves. That means slowing down enough to feel what’s actually going on inside, instead of numbing, distracting, or powering through. It means catching ourselves in the act of shutting down, and choosing to turn toward instead.

Fierce intimacy is not for the faint of heart. But then again, neither is love.

Suggested reading Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real