We’ve been taught to think in terms of me and you. My needs, your needs. My rights, your rights. My happiness, your happiness.

But Terry Real would say this is the wrong game entirely. The real question isn’t “How can I win?” it’s “How can we both win as us?”

In his book Us, he explains how our culture’s obsession with individualism is poisoning our relationships. We prize independence over interdependence, self-interest over shared interest. And then we wonder why intimacy feels so hard.

Shifting into relational thinking means asking: What would serve the relationship right now? Sometimes that means doing something you don’t feel like doing, because it benefits the us. Sometimes it means standing firm, not for your ego, but for the health of the bond.

This isn’t about losing yourself. It’s about realizing that when the relationship thrives, you thrive. That’s the paradox: taking care of us is the best way to take care of me.

In the end, the healthiest couples don’t fight for fairness. They fight for each other.